I woke up to a pitch black room with no noises but the soaring buzz of the highway close by. I knew right away that it must be a dark and rainy day. I walked out to my living room and opened up the blinds and pulled them back. A light rain had formed and it was indeed overcast. Most of the time I enjoy these days while I believe most people hate them. The sun has this ability to make people happier where rain causes more depression and self reflecting. I enjoy the quiet reflection so I tend to enjoy these type of days. Today I felt more like the rest of the world. I just felt upset. I wasn’t in the mood to do any self reflecting on my life.
It’s been a depressing day because I woke up knowing it’s the last day of my 4-day mini vacation. My best friend left yesterday and headed back home to another state at least ten hours away. We will stay in touch, but I’m not really quite sure the next time I’ll be able to see him. I’m not even sure where my next hug will come from. There’s just no duplicating sharing an experience or a sitting outside talking about life and random nonsense. There’s nothing like someone you can go experience something new with and not be afraid if it ends up lame. We can share our lives and talk about what is going on in them, but it’s ten times better sharing experiences and moments. To be a part of the story instead of the bystander hearing about it.
My alarm went off letting me know my washers were done. I had taken a drive to the laundry facility earlier to start my loads. I left the car there with all of my supplies and walked back. As I stepped outside and locked my door I recognized that the light rain had turned into a downpour. And just like the rain getting faster it felt like a wave of regrets and fears came into my mind. “Just give up, give in, be just like them, do what they want to do. Follow.” I started to run through the rain and thought most people would just wait it out or go back into their apartment for an umbrella or a rain jacket. In my mind I knew it was just rain. I wasn’t going to suddenly fall a part or die. I started to walk instead. And just like that I realized that leaders don’t follow people. The only thing they follow is the beat of their own drum. They blaze their own trail and don’t care what others think. We’re all on our own journeys and if nobody wants to hop on my bus for a short trip I can’t make them.
The “right now” aspect of our lives always feel like it’s going to last forever. I think that’s why it scares us so much and we obsess over it. It also makes us afraid to make the wrong move or say the wrong thing. It’s better to know this devil than to not know the other one. I also believe that people are afraid to compliment other’s strengths, because internally we’re comparing ourselves to them. If I have confidence or a skill that someone else doesn’t have they will feel weird about mentioning it. Because they’re now thinking why can’t I have that? Why can’t I be like that? How did he get that way? And then it becomes about them. Or people are afraid that if they do compliment someone it’ll appear as being some form of romantic or needy. It gets to the point that something you’re good at now gets dismissed, because people may want to be like that but don’t know how or can’t become that way themselves. In turn it may also become a form of jealousy and annoyance. Why can’t we just be accepting of who we are and give a little bit of praise? You never know who might need to hear it to boost their own self-worth or ego. While I don’t ever hear compliments anymore I’m trying to go back and see moments where people might admire what I’ve done for them or wanted to be kind or thankful to me, but didn’t know how to express it. Now internally I’m feeling more admired and respected then I had been feeling lately.
My alarm went off again and once more I headed back to the laundry facility. It was still raining pretty hard and I continued to walk through it. I had a little more air in my chest as I walked. As I got closer I started to realize that there was a line from my forearm to my wrist and to my pinky where rain was dripping off of. But the way that it was slowly dripping off of my pinky reminded me of a time when I blacked out one night and fell. I ended up falling on a curb on a hill and busted up my face and tore through several layers of my skin on my wrist that it wouldn’t stop bleeding. It was dripping blood from that same spot. That even though I had blood in my eye and a swollen face and lip the only thing I could feel was my wrist. It was that same best friend I mentioned earlier that saw me and drove me home. It was a wake up moment in my life. I didn’t really have anything going for me at the time. The one thing I thought I had was a bunch of friends around me to uplift me and help me. What I really had was a bunch of friends who just wanted to have a good time. That kept feeding me drinks and then left me to walk home with my other best friend. I didn’t even get a text message the next day to make sure I was alright. I soon realized it’s better to be alone or only have a few good people in your life that care about you then many who are simply entertained by you. I know I have let many relationships die because they just took and took from me and never returned the love and kindness. I think I’d rather be a loner than go through those feelings and relationships anymore.