It’s amazing how having a conversation with certain person can spark a thought. A simple innocent conversation can change into something meaningful and cause you go to down an alley of thought that you hadn’t realized about yourself before. I have been feeling lonely lately. I’ve felt withdrawn and a little lost. I understand the variables and how I got here. A guy in a new town that doesn’t know anyone. Then when I did finally meet some people and developed relationships with they left, and I was alone again. And as much as I understand why they left I couldn’t help but feeling a little hurt. A selfish part has to ask the question was I not good enough to stay for? Was I part of the reason why they left? It’s also the insecure part that raises these questions. While I don’t feel like I was any part of the reason why they left it still hurts none-the-less. Then comes the other issues. The bad people who make you afraid to act like yourself. The people who make you feel so uncomfortable to be around them you can almost feel a tangible bubble forming around you.
While there’s really only one bad person it seems like all that she touches just turns against me. Whether they know anything about what she’s done to me, or will do to me, it doesn’t matter. Just the simple fact that they’re associates of hers is enough for me to consider them an enemy. If you see something in there to like you must be similar with your darkness. They become a person I can’t trust, and if I can’t trust a person it’s really hard for me to be personable with or share any personal things with about myself. It’s quite sad actually because there is so much I could be saying to help my cause, but I’m trying my best not to. I’m trying to be the bigger person. It would only be coming from a hurtful place anyways. It wouldn’t help them at all. It’s not like we’d suddenly be best friends and all the sudden all of her associates would choose me over her. But regardless that is why I created this website in the first place. To air out the things in the dark that can’t be said in our daily lives. So here goes…
You ever find yourself crushing on someone and really aren’t sure why? I still don’t understand it, but maybe if I type it out I’ll figure something out. I’ve had a crush on this girl for at least a few months. She’s not overly beautiful or anything. She’s not confident. She’s not really even very nice or social. She does have a nice body that she takes care of, but nothing amazing. She has something that most people, let alone women don’t have. She’s interesting. She’s like a puzzle I can’t solve. I don’t know if it’s a game to her or what, but it’s like trying to get trade secrets out of the government to get to know simple things like what kind of music she likes. I have no idea why it’s such a big deal to her or why I can’t know what she likes. I don’t know if she’s afraid I’ll make fun of her. I don’t know if she’s afraid of me just getting to know anything about her or what. I always try to have one thing I can generally talk about with each acquaintance I have. To have one topic that I can ask about and have a quick conversation about for five minutes to ease the day or create some kind of better relationship. The few times I could ever get her talking was about her sister. Which is not a safe subject to be bringing up every day. Especially when her sister is cute and close to my age. It’s almost like she lives through her sister. Which to me is not attractive at all. I wish she would have her own life to talk about. Honestly I don’t really judge people for what they like. I don’t care what someones hobby is as long as they’re passionate about it. Sometimes I wish this way of thinking was more common.
Lately I just feel like it’s super hard to talk to her. You see over the last few weeks she’s become friends with the bad person I’ve told you about. I get that they’re young and I would be happy that this crush made a new friend since she seemed like such a loner. But why did it have to be her? Now I know I can’t trust you. Now I know I can’t tell you personal things about myself knowing that your new friend is manipulative enough to use it against me without you realizing what you’ve done. I also don’t understand the timing of your new bff. So the moment that her bff at work puts in her two weeks notice and says she’s no longer going to be around to listen to all your drama you suddenly drop her and become new best buds with my crush. How could you not see that? How do people not see how manipulative this girl is? I guess people just aren’t as smart as I give them credit for. Or maybe I have missed some things and I’m being paranoid. I’m kind of trusting my instincts on the first belief.
Being smart and quick-witted was another reason why I liked this girl in the first place. She caught my sly comments and would banter it right back at me. But since we don’t really talk anymore there’s nothing to find appealing. I did enjoy talking to her when I could get her talking. Those rare moments when it’s like I wish we could just stop everything and hang out. But there is only so far I’m going to go with trying to develop a personal relationship. When a girl doesn’t talk to you first or respond in text conversations with questions that’s probably not a good sign. If she’s mean to you online that’s kind of the last straw for me. Frankly on paper we are total opposites. Now I’ll admit I’m judging and making some assumptions, but I’m a minimalist that plans adventures. I’m intense and passionate. I like to work hard and play hard. I’m very confident in my abilities. I like to push my limits and sometimes others. If I’m doing something too much I get fidgety or bored. She seems very comfortable doing the same thing over and over. She doesn’t seem to have an adventurous bone in her body. She doesn’t go out. She’s more than happy being alone watching anime and playing games online. Which is perfectly fine. I just wanted to be her friend and boost her confidence for the longest time. I don’t know when things started to change. It was probably when my friends left and I was left searching for more. Yet I still can’t help but think about her. It’s tragic. Just another girl who will never be anything to me. I have a habit of finding these types.
The original idea that I mentioned that created a spark was really about the idea of “poking the bear” so to speak. The idea that by poking the bear you wake it up and it causes a riot. We originally were talking about what guys do when they hang out versus what girls do when they hang out. It transferred into what guys and girls really think about when they invite them over to just hang out. Sex is always on the mind, but that really wasn’t what we were talking about. I mentioned that one of the easiest test for me in determining how much I might like a girl is how she reacts to watching sports with me. Does she take an interest in the game? Does she complain and tell me she’s bored? Does she fake it and pretend she knows more than she really does? Does she just quietly sit there and text on her phone when you’re not looking. Does she mock how devoted I am to it? My female friend told me the girls will do the same thing but in reverse. I didn’t really dig deeper. I continued on with the mocking and how if a girl mocked my love for baseball and talking about how cute a certain player is it would most definitely be like poking the bear, because they’re not just athletes to me. They’re symbols of hard work, team work, and even role models to some. They do a lot of great things. Some of them are looked at as heroes for what they can accomplish.
But the key phrase of it all was poking the bear. How in the past I could/would poke the bear out of people just to get a reaction. Sometimes it was to prove a point, sometimes it was to stir up some kind of emotions, and sometimes it was just funny. Sure sometimes it doesn’t really matter because it may be a stupid subject matter. But then again we don’t know all the variables in play. It’s hard enough to get people to open up about things that matter to them. They might be afraid of people’s judgements. They might actually be afraid to tell you what really matters to them and what’s important to them. People are very sensitive to the things they like. In the past I could just move on. I didn’t care what people thought about me, I didn’t care if they got mad. I knew they’d get over it or realize it really didn’t matter. Or I realized they already knew I was a crazy person and just accepted that’s who I was.
Either way it’s always been in my nature to stir the pot or poke the bear. Sometimes its the only way to show off how insightful I am or to get people talking and draw them out. To ask them the bizarre things to get them to communicate with me. In the past I had nothing to lose. Now with my current situation and having to deal with this bad person all the sudden I have something to lose. All the sudden a core part of who I am and how I act is gone. While I’m admitting it might not always be the nicest way to communicate with people it is just who I am. Would you ask a tiger to change it stripes?