The point of creating this site was to get things off my chest that I couldn’t otherwise say to people. To let out the anger and the darkness that I know would do nothing but hurt people and make them see me differently. Currently I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to just tell people off and tell them to go fuck themselves within the last two weeks. It would feel so good to do so.
I was trying so hard not to be a loner anymore and not be stuck on an island with myself and my thoughts. I made a friend from work. He’s double my age, but never the less still a good guy. I related to him and how he sees the world more than I relate to people who are in their early twenties. It may just be the way I was raised, but I’m entirely sick of seeing people stuck in their cell phone and keeping their headphones on even when they interact with people. It’s just plain rude. Technology has created the ultimate virtual reality where people go to escape the real world. I’m tired of people trying to be clever and funny when they’re not. Stop trying to be something you’re not. I guess we all do that at times. I guess that’s what makes friends so nice to have. That ability to just put the walls down and be yourself. Although honestly most people can’t even figure that out anymore.
Anyways the friend I made from work left. He moved back to where he came from and it’s been hard. Now I’m feeling isolated. I tried to reach out to people around me that I found interesting or that I thought I could relate to but I guess you could say I haven’t had any luck. I tried and I tried again but there is really only so much rudeness and social inadequacies that I can tolerate before I just give up. Before I just quit on a person and say you’ll never be good enough. I know a lot people and acquaintances that come to rely on me. They “need” me for this or for that and at first it’s flattering and it’s nice because you feel important to them and are happy to want to help. But then after a while you just realize you’re just another vessel for them to pump. They don’t appreciate you or value what you’re doing. It’s just another avenue to get what they want accomplished and they don’t think anything of it. They don’t think anything of you. As soon as you no longer are useful they just find someone else anyways.
I’ve kind of created this safeguard persona for myself that helps me get by on a daily basis. That on the surface it is true, but if you ever dig deeper you see that it’s just a slice of who I am. The persona is of a guy who loves baseball and enjoys sports. He doesn’t take himself too serious and doesn’t try to be smart. But man it gets so loud in my head when people don’t dare to ask questions and see there is other sides of me. I like to think that I’m a very curious person and very perceptive. 90% of the time when someone tells me something personal I remember it. Not only do I realize it’s very rare for people to open up and be real, but It’s the conversations that I enjoy most so why wouldn’t I want to remember it? Why wouldn’t I pay attention? You’re getting a glimmer of light that they hide inside themselves. Yet it seems as much as we crave connections and attention with one another it never really seems to go both ways. It’s always one-sided. At least in my experience.
I have stories for days and usually when I get the chance to tell them it ends with them wanting more stories or asking lots of questions. It’s fun because you can usually see they are trying to learn something from my experiences or they are trying to soak up some of the life that I’ve lived. I’ve met a lot of people. I’ve gone on a lot of adventures. I’ve already crossed off 15 items on my Goals list over the past five years or so. I’ve lived in four different states and probably have seen more states and cities than most people will that live in the United States. Yet the questions and statements are like this…
-What do you spend your money on? (I saved it until I can go out and use it for adventures and experiences) But I get a dirty look for not having collections of anything. Like do you enjoy living paycheck to paycheck and having a lot of stuff? I don’t.
-All you care about is sports (As I’m reading a book about exploring the Lost City of Z? I’m learning sign language? I’ve planned 3 trips this year to places I’ve never seen? I’m growing a garden?) I guess all that went over his head. Then again he never asked. I will give him some credit. He did admit he judged me wrongly.
-I’m getting told/suggested that I’m stupid and I missed the point on something. I always thought that if you were making a point or a statement it had to be clear? I was never in debate but I’m pretty sure that’d be debate 101 skills. So forgive me for missing the point. I don’t know who you are or your life story. I really just think you’re trying to be rebellious and are giving us your sarcastic attitude about nothing.
But as always I just try to bite my tongue and be the bigger person. I don’t say anything and let it be. Because trust me you don’t really want me to tell you what I think. I do know that truly I’ve learned enough about these people who on a bad day I could snap and completely explain them and all their faults to a psychological evaluation that they’d probably get so mad or feel so upset that they’d never want to talk to me again. But even so I’m flirting with the idea because remember we don’t talk about anything that matters anyway right? Even in those short moments when we do it’s only about them. So I guess really what’s the point anyways? I guess the simple answer is to survive. We have to have these stupid daily conversations we call socializing. It helps us better fit in with society. But if this is fitting in then I have no problem sticking out and being in the outcast crowd. Actually this is kind of funny. The “jock” is now the outcast in my world.