I was thinking today that I couldn’t remember the last time I wrote anything. I know that every year right around my birthday I usually have that self-crisis moment where I look back on the year I once had and I try to figure out what went wrong and what went right. I try to look back and figure out if I’ve improved my situation at all. As weird as it usually sounds I tend to look back and label my years. Like an obvious one is that Age 21 was the year of alcohol. I just turned 28 and it scares the shit out of me. I try not to even think about how old I’m getting and how fast life really does happen.

I remember years back that I always thought I could sacrifice things in my personal life to chase work dreams and work goals. I thought that after I got settled in whatever job field I was interested in that the rest of things would just fall into place. I’d have that good mix of new friends with old friends. I’d still have family around to share key moments with. I’d finally find the right woman because I’d be a more completed version of myself. I’d be happier knowing that I was thriving, or at least content, in my job field. But life happens. I never thought I’d be doing what I’m doing now. I’ve developed skills and I’m good at what I do. Can I say I’m passionate about what I do? Not all the time but it has its moments where the light bulb clicks or the puzzle is challenging enough that once I solve it everything feels rewarding. Or when I have a good idea that no one else thought of that gives us an advantage. Those moments I feel passionate about.

At the same time I feel myself trying to be less anti-social. I don’t want to be an island anymore. I don’t want to be a misunderstood artist that people find interesting and mysterious. I don’t want to be that guy that is half myth to those acquaintances that I know. Maybe I want to be a little bit more normal. I want to have “guy’s night” or “poker night.” I want to go through the ebbs and flows of a relationship. I don’t want to get hurt, but I understand that you learn even more about what you want and who you are through the mistakes. It’s some of the tiniest things that I want in a relationship. I want someone to just be there for me after a tough day. To rub my back or give me a hug. To offer to make me food or a drink because she knows I need it. To engage in a silly conversation because she knows I enjoy the randomness. I think the older I get the more I crave intimacy more than sex. Maybe I’m turning into a chick. I’ve always had that hopeless romantic feeling. I’ve just suppressed it for several years.

Starved Connection

I do feel I need to put more effort into my social groups and the people surrounding my immediate life. I think the first step will be getting all settled into my new apartment. I’ll finally have a place to call my own and put things together in a way that I want it to be. It’ll be a comfort. It’ll be my safe zone, but I’ll also be willing to share it. A coworker of mine said that he missed having game nights with board games and cards. I would really like to host something like that. I enjoyed hosting it years back, but it almost felt like we weren’t at the age group of being ready for something like that. We were in such a rush to do things that we couldn’t just enjoy the moment and strike up meaningful conversations. We just wanted to make money, get drunk, and then go do something else. We couldn’t just take the time to enjoy each others company. I feel like now I’m grown up enough that I will truly be able to do that. I guess it’s true that you don’t miss things until they’re gone.

I feel like I’ve been an island for so long it’s finally starting to catch up to me. I used to say I didn’t need people. Then when people started to treat me as such I just felt offended and alienated. Which only forced me to push farther away. I do enjoy the company of good people. I do enjoy having conversations that hopefully enable other to do things they wouldn’t normally do. Whether they are friends or barely acquaintances. It took a few friends lately to remind me that just a little effort can go a long way. A phone call can do wonders for the psyche. Even just offering someone to help move can change their opinion of you. I just hope that I’m turning a new leaf as I get older and hopefully I can start having more meaningful relationships instead of just meaningful conversations.