It’s 2017. It’s the time of the year where we all reassess what we have and who we’ve become. It’s the time to do a lot of internal reflections and decide what changes we need/want to make. I have my general lists of things I want to do and things I want to change. I will get to that another time.

For today this is just a blog of things I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for a while now. Sarcastically I am a big fan of repressing my feelings. I do it a lot. Usually because I understand that people are so damn sensitive to everything. As much as people say they want to know the truth about things they really don’t want to. Every day we hide truths from one another to protect their feelings. With that being said just know from here on out I’m going to be ranting. Whether it be right or wrong I just need to get it off my chest and out of my head so that I can move on.

I had my mother come down to visit me and my brother for Christmas. I was really excited for it. She did it once a few years ago when both me and my brother were living together. Instead of dealing with the hassle of having to ship us gifts or trying to get them through airport security she just shows up and takes us out shopping. For my brother that’s great. He can get anything he generally would like to have and not feel guilty about all the money he’s spending. I, on the other hand, realize that my mom isn’t retired yet and is still working multiple jobs. She’s doing okay but I still don’t enjoy spending other people’s money. It also takes away from the idea of it being a “gift.”

I knew ahead of time that I didn’t really want much and this was going to be more about my brother. Every time the three of us get together it’s always about those two and I just end up the third wheel tagging along. They’re like high school best friends that haven’t seen each other all summer. It’s hard to get a word in, and then when I do nobody is even listening because they’re not listening to hear or understand. They’re listening to reply or to say the next thing that’s already on their mind.

My brother spent a lot of money. He probably racked up over a thousand dollars worth of stuff. I can’t even count all the things that he got. I just know a new laptop, speakers, tons of dvds, and clothes. I basically got work clothes and shoes. I got some books I told him I would prefer not to have. I got a virtual reality head set that came free with my moms new phone. I’ve used it once and I’m not sure I’ll use it many more times. I hate Christmas. I really do. It just shows how little people listen and how little they really know about you.

I had two things I really wanted. I wanted a specific baseball player’s jersey. I wanted money set aside for my road trip I plan to take during the summer. That’s all I really wanted. There were other things that I’d like to have like sports clothes and shoes. I got those. But I wasn’t dying for those things. I really wanted that jersey and I really wanted money put aside for this road trip so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it later. I didn’t get those.

But besides that I just wanted to see my mom and go out and do something with her. I didn’t care if it was going to see a movie together, going out to grab dinner together, or anything else. I just wanted to do some exploring and have some personal time. My brother is always busy and never makes the trip down to see me so I also wanted to go out and explore as well. We only ever play Pokemon Go together. Other than going to the same store multiple times and doing shopping we didn’t really do anything new. We went out to the same bar that I’ve now been to several times and I don’t even live in that area. The one day I was sacrificing my sleep so that we could go explore the area near my work my brother wanted to head home because he had work and knew the commute was a half hour. News flash! It’s a half hour for me also. I do that every day. But I let it go.

The only other thing that I wanted from the trip was that somewhere along the way I wanted my mom to make a home-made meal. I knew there were two days during her trip where both me and my brother had to work. She’s a good cook and she always seems to cook things better than I can cook them. Since I’m a vegetarian I also get sick of eating the same types of things over and over. I wanted a home-made meal to mix it up. I didn’t get that either. So the day before my mom left for the airport we had our Christmas. My brother got to open his twenty plus gifts while I had so little amount of stuff he wrapped up my bars of soap that I had in my stocking. I’ve told them that stocking stuffers are my favorite thing. They’re the stuff that you need, but don’t really think about it until it’s gone. You have to actually know the daily stuff about a person. I maxed out my brothers. He basically got three stocking. My mom’s was full also. Mine was barely half full. There’s just only so much of this crap I could handle. I just felt so crappy like no one cared.

When my brother said this was a great Christmas and was happy with all the things he got I just couldn’t say anything. I was speechless. So when he went outside to have a cigarette I knew my mom was going to talk to me about serious stuff. She’s the one person who usually has a feeling of when I’m down or angry or whatever I’m feeling that no one else can pick up. So when she asked me how she thought my brother was doing and how she was worried about him I almost had to laugh. My brother lost his dog this year. It was rough. It sucked. He had a girl that he liked for a while but they became distant. But within the last few months he got promoted into management and is now a salaried worker and making good money. He makes way more than I do. He’s been paying off his debt and in every sense he’s doing great now. He has friends in the area that invite him out to do things and go check out places.

On the other hand, I’m sitting there in pajama pants worried because my bonus check just got lost in the mail and I really needed that money myself to get out of debt. The only times I go out and when my brother makes the time. I’m living in a woman’s house with roommates that rotate so much I’ve called it a brothel. I need parts of my car repaired and I need a new pair of glasses because mine are broke. I’m also the younger brother and yet I’m supposed to be looking out for my older brothers mental health for my mom? Needless to say I couldn’t wait to go home and get back to my life of being alone and having no one to worry about. It’s hard to get more withdrawn than I already am but I think I’m pushing that bar even farther now.

I’ll preface that I do like my job and I do like my boss a lot. It provides a calmer than usual atmosphere while also providing interesting challenges and puzzles for me. But man on man do I have some work complaints lately. We are a smaller store so there is only five people who are on the management team. That includes myself. When my boss isn’t there it seems like all the workers just get lazy and social. It doesn’t seem like anyone takes my assistant store manager very serious. They know they can take advantage of him.

There’s two girls that are on the same level as me. One is awesome. She’s a great worker. She gets stuff done and also has great people skills. The other one is a nice girl by all means, but she just seems lazy or super unorganized. Shes our inventory manager and I’ve lost track how many times we’ve run out of things or are down to our last thing. We’ve run out of toilet paper, printer paper, receipt paper, sticker paper, plastic bags, and other smaller things I can’t even recall at this moment. Now if it happens once okay no big deal because people make mistakes and we all have to learn. It’s happened so many times it’s just irritating to me. Usually because I find out late at night when we run out and I can’t leave the store to go get anything because I’m the only manager on duty. Also because all these things are items we really need to function on a day-to-day basis at my job.

We were short-staffed one night and she was off the clock talking to one of my workers that was on the clock. I was busy with a customer, One was on their dinner break, and my third person was on the register full of customers that he had called for backup and customer assistance. Well my fourth worker, who was free to do shift work, was too busy talking to the manager off duty to answer any of the calls that I had to handle it myself. I then had to go back and break up their little group hang and let her know that I needed her to answer these because we all were busy. It’s stuff like that that drives me crazy. First off if I had another manager have to tell me to stop talking to a worker because she needed to do her job that I was stopping her from doing I would be super embarrassed and ashamed. I know there’s a time and place when to work and when to socialize. I guess she doesn’t.

The bad part about this whole thing is that we are opening up another manager spot for our store. In all likelihood we will just promote from within. The front-runner is likely to be this girl that I had to tell her to do her job instead of chatting with our off duty manager. She is a great worker. I don’t want to take that away from her. But it’s pretty obvious to see that she’s been getting preferential treatment because she’s become friends with one manager and lives with another manager. It still puzzles me that I had to meetings about becoming a manager and they said in both meeting not to become friends with your coworkers. Yet two of these managers have basically done the complete opposite. To the point where I have to be the bad guy and be the hard ass because no one feels obligated to do certain chores because of how these other two managers are acting. I also get tired of having to cover for them on every day tasks and duties while crap like this goes on and they hide in the back office during busy times. Grrr! One of these days I just want to go off on them but I know I can’t. It’s not really my place to say anything. I do need to have a sit down with my store manager and keep him informed though. It’s just hard to do when I’m on an opposite schedule with him usually.

There’s some smaller things that I could rant about, but after a while it just becomes redundant. I do feel better typing this all out and putting it out there. This is the whole reason why I created Moonshot in the first place. To have a safe place to post all the things I shouldn’t say. Maybe now I can move onto something else and not keep that bottled up anymore. I will say that one of my 2017 goals is to be even more up front and honest. If people already don’t like me or are intimidated by me than so be it. I mine as well put all the cards out there.