I never went back. I finished my beer but was still lost in my thoughts. I don’t think people really get what that means unless you’re an introvert or some form of a deep thinker and over analyzer. I got upset to the point where I was crying into my hands. The bartender asked me if I was alright and I lied. I just told her that my contacts were really bothering me. I knew if I left though it would look really weird. So I put on a fake smile and ordered a cider. I could see out the window the lights bouncing off the walls from the wedding upstairs. People from the wedding were slowly coming into this bar and I was starting to feel awkward again. I paid my bill and left. I took a deep breath in the hallway and walked back up the stairs. I could see the party from the stairway. I saw my date dancing with the guy from our table. They seemed to get along well and she seemed happy so that was when I decided I didn’t need to come back until the wedding was close to being over. I walked across the street and hoped a change of venue might help me and it did.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness or a question can make you feel ten times better. I grabbed my wallet out and put it on the table. It has a St. Louis Cardinals logo on it. He asked if I was a fan and we started talking about baseball a little bit and what I thought about the team heading into the playoffs. It was just enough that I had an appetite. I got a beer and asked if he was still serving any food. He showed me some appetizers and suggested the chips and queso. He said it was really good here. I got it and watched the Clemson vs. Louisville game that was on TV. Both teams were ranked in the top 5 and it was a close game. It’s still amazes me how sports has always found a way to connect me to people and also get me through some of the tough times. Needless to say I watched the end of the game and paid my tab. I was feeling better. Those distractions got me away from all of my internal self-destructive thoughts I was going through the entire night.

It was about 12:15 and I didn’t hear the music anymore so I rushed upstairs to see who was still lingering around. I wasn’t really sure how late these things went on for but I walked upstairs and the place was empty. I started to freak out. I had a dead cell phone I couldn’t even turn on. I went to the parking lot looking for people and didn’t see anyone. Her car was still there so I assumed maybe she drank too much and one of the guys drove her back to the hotel or they all went to a nearby bar. I looked around on the block and didn’t see any still open other than the two I was just into. Welcome back to freak out mode. I didn’t have a ride and I didn’t know where she was. I asked the bartender to call me an Uber or a taxi but none were still going. I then asked for directions and started my 6 mile walk back to my hotel. I made it about a mile before I got confused and stopped into Dominoes. There were two girls there and I could just tell they felt bad for me. They told me they’d give me a ride home. They let me charge my phone while the driver came back.

I got it barely charged but enough to send out a text to her that I was ok, my phone died, getting ride back to hotel, when she gets back can she grab my charger and glasses from the car. Apparently that set her off. But my phone died again on the way back to the hotel so I never heard back from her. I took out my contacts and took off the dress clothes that made me feel uncomfortable all night. I went to bed shortly after around 1:30 and hoped that in the morning she’d be back and everything would be okay.

I woke up around 4 AM and realized she never came back and got worried. I tossed and turned for two hours and then decided I needed to find her. The guy in the hotel didn’t have a computer or any extra chargers for me to use. I was going to look up her number online. I called my mom but it was too early for her. I called my brother but it was also too early for him. Those were really the only two numbers I had memorized. I panicked again. I tried to lay back down and calm down but couldn’t. Ended up getting dressed and walked to a gas station and bought a cell phone charger. My phone battery is so crappy that it took about ten minutes just for me to feel comfortable turning it on at 5%. That’s how dead it was. I then got the text messages she must have sent earlier  saying she wasn’t going to come back after I left her there. I could tell she was mad but not sure how bad. I didn’t want to get in a text fight and I knew she was probably sleeping so I just kept it short and said we’d talk when she got back.

I’ve rambled on with this story for so long I’ll try to keep the conclusion short. She was pissed. Said it was the most rude thing anyone had ever done to her. Her parents said she should just leave me there. She almost did if she didn’t have her stuff in the hotel. She said she’d drop me off at the airport when we got back and nothing more. I told her my Ipod was at her place. She said she’d mail it. It was the first time we’d ever really gotten into a fight. She said if we went back to her house to pick it up then I’d have to find a way to the airport. We weren’t going to hang out and I wasn’t going to be anymore of an inconvenience for her. All this was said before I even explained anything. I tried to explain what was going on, but she either didn’t care, was too blind by rage, or didn’t believe me. So we left in her car still wearing the same clothes.

We left quiet, we fought, I apologized a dozen times, and I felt like shit. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and away from her at this point. She calmed down and we were talking more normal but the tension was still there. She ended up saying that we could get back to her place and shower. Then she’d take me to the airport later. She had plans to go tailgate the Steelers’ game but it was at night. But when she showered I packed up. I took my shower and ordered an Uber as I got dressed. It only took about eight minutes to get there so I left shortly after. She seemed a little bit surprised that I was leaving so fast. But you tell me… would you really want to stick around? I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling at the time. I just knew I wanted to get away from the entire weekend and forget about it. She seemed to be over it and said no harm because we both were alright. I just said I’m sorry and I left. I now had seven hours to waste at the airport.

I had the rest of that day and these last two days to really get my thoughts together and this is really what I’ve come up with as far as a conclusion. She might have physically given me a ride back to Pittsburgh but she left me in Maryland. I was gone for three hours from the wedding party and instead of coming to look for she bashed me to her friends and the people at the party. She said she knew I was alright. How the hell did you know I was alright? You admitted you’d never gone out drinking with me and didn’t know how I reacted. You cared more about fitting in with a room full of strangers than you cared about me being okay. You were going to leave me in a state with nothing but what I was wearing and my wallet without even knowing what happened to me? I admit I was wrong for not telling her I was leaving. But I told her I was nervous about these things. I told her multiple times about reading people and how things felt off. You either didn’t care or have no empathy at all to pick up on how I was feeling.

Shes texted me twice that Sunday I flew home and Monday morning. I know she just wants to give me the impression that it’s over and done with and let’s move on. But I can’t help but just think I have nothing to say to her now. I feel bad more for losing a friend than for what I did. I couldn’t know I was going to react so poorly and have an anxiety attack. But I also got to see a different side of her and it was a side I don’t like at all. I also felt like I finally stopped blinding myself to things I dislike about her. I don’t like a girl who is always on her phone. A girl who says she doesn’t have any real friends but constantly had people asking her to hang out and go do something the short time I was around her. When I said I have no friends here or don’t do anything I mean it. It’s not a figure of speech or a line. I don’t like people in general who just expect you to fix your shit and don’t offer to help. That’s not a real friend. So I did what I had to do. I left as soon as I could. I beat myself up for it all day because she made me feel miserable about myself. But then I realized why was I taking 100% of the blame? I told her where I was. She never came to see me. If I was gone that long it would have been easy to find me.

Regardless I’m at the point that I’m sick of half friends or shitty people in my life. If you don’t care enough to worry about me or want to help me than I don’t care about you anymore. I’m tired of fake internet intimacy. I’m tired of only having the small courage to text feelings and anger and not at least calling someone on the phone. I’m just done with it. We half ass everything. I can post fake photos all day on the internet and people will buy it. They’ll buy it because they only know who I was five to ten years ago. They don’t know anything about who I’ve become now. So fuck them.

Fuck this society that nurtures cell phone addicts and data junkies. Fuck the people who stalk your media pages and outlets to get an idea of who you really are. Go get yourself a private investigators job if it really gets you off that much. If you’re really that scared of social interactions and real conversations go numb yourself with pointless celeb gossip and drama shows. Go drug yourself up to have the ability to let go. It’s painful not to pretend. That’s the truth of it all. Because you’ll never be accepted as being real anymore. People are always faking something. They do it so much they don’t know how to handle anything real. They think no matter what happens its just an act. Well if my anxiety and fear is nothing but an act to people then cut. End scene. Go home and let me be free.

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