Hello again,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written something. But nobody relevant to me is reading this so who cares. I had a really shitty weekend, and because I over think and feel everything I’m still feeling the lasting hangover from it even into Wednesday. I just finally got to the point where I needed to write about it to get it out of my head. Maybe then I’ll be able to let it go. I’ve been burned in the past about writing this type of thing so it’s probably for the best that I’m anonymous now.

I went to a friend’s wedding this weekend. I asked my female friend from college to be my date. We’ve stayed in touch pretty well since graduating and I thought it would be fun. I’ve only ever been to one wedding before this wedding and was feeling nervous about it. I basically only knew the two getting married and everyone else was a stranger. I wouldn’t have come if my date decided she couldn’t make it. I just knew I wouldn’t have a good time and feel awkward the whole time if I went alone. I also didn’t make it through the whole first wedding I went to and really wanted to get through this one to see how a wedding actually goes and finishes. I didn’t make it.

I got through the ceremony well enough. I was feeling nervous not knowing anyone and I felt like a fraud the whole time. I’m not a guy that dresses up in dress clothes ever. This was the first time I ever got to wear the suit that I wore. The ceremony was beautiful. The church was really nice and had those glass murals. The groom also told me this was where his or her parents got married so I knew it had a lot of meaning to them. The groom looked like a million bucks and looked very confident so I was happy for him. Before everything had started I tried to distract myself from getting nervous and played a guessing game of who was who and what the murals might mean. It was as soon as I left that I started to get really nervous again. I knew at the ceremony everyone had to be quiet and act appropriately. I knew I wouldn’t get any weird looks or get asked questions. In all senses the ceremony is always my favorite part. It’s the most genuine moments. The reception always scares me.

I guess at this point it’s pretty obvious, but if I really have to spell it out for you I have a fear of weddings. There’s something about how my mind works that I can just pick up on the inklings we try to hide from others. I see those moments when you’re secretly annoyed or mad but you know you’re supposed to be happy or whatever. I just couldn’t help but doing that while I sat at my table. It was a big wedding also so there was plenty of people for me to analyze. I thought bringing a date would help because I would have someone to talk to and it would stop me from doing this. It did for a while. At first I thought we were going to have a table all to ourselves because we were probably the last people to be added to the list. But then we had three people join us around our ages as well. They were nice and fun people it seemed like. But they grew up with the groom and so it just made me feel awkward and felt like I was out of my league here. I didn’t know anything about these people.

The first wedding I went to I was a late addition as well. I’m used to be at the last table farthest away from the party and closest to the bar. I actually kind of like it that way. In a way I’ve always been more of the observer than the participant. That first wedding I decided just to get drunk and then get crazy when I was drunk. I barely made it through dinner I was so nauseous. It wasn’t the alcohol though. I had three drinks. I just didn’t feel right. I tried to smile my way through it but I had to leave. This time around I was going to try to pace myself. I switched from rum to white wine. I figured a light buzz would be just fine to dull my nervousness. I also promised the groom I wouldn’t tell any of our bad wild stories and I’d do my best to behave myself.

We had dinner and I could see the couple was making their rounds saying hello to people but also getting guide into what they were supposed to be doing. They had photos to take. They had to cut the cake. They had to do the ceremonial putting cake in their significant others face. I eventually got a moment since he was by our table and I gave him a hug and said I was proud of him. I got my moment alone with him. I hope he appreciated that. We got to have a short conversation. He also told me we just had a few more minutes before the real fun began. Then he got taken away to go toss the guarder belt. I kind of got the vibe that this whole thing was a little more than he expected much like myself.

I got passed the tossing and then the DJ put on music to start dancing. The girl at our table grabbed my date and they went to dance. I went to grab a drink or head to the bathroom. I can’t really remember. I just remember something happened and it set me off. I knew I was about to have an anxiety attack or something like it. So I put my drink down on my table and walked outside. There were a few people out there so I walked down the stairs towards the street and around the corner to an alley and sat on the steps. I texted my best friend because I knew I needed to talk to someone who really knew me. I was freaking out. I was getting a little to close to that happily ever after stuff. The whole married with kids working a 9-5. Dressing up in fancy clothes to go see friends and family. Barely having the time or money to go out exploring before the kids and pressures of life have taken over. Before you know it you’re not really sure who you are anymore because that is your life. You’ve lost that special uniqueness that made you you. I got too close to it and it scared me. I’m not cut out for that kind of thing. I’m a drifter. I’m a wanderer. But if I don’t surrender to it where am I going to end up? I was having all kind of these thoughts racing through my head. I knew I couldn’t be half in and half out all the time. I went for a walk trying to get distracted and out of my head but it didn’t help very much.

I ended up coming back for a moment to check on the party. Everyone was having a good time and out there dancing. I knew I could fake a lot but I couldn’t fake happy right now. I knew I couldn’t fake dancing and pretending to have fun. I saw my date dancing and having a good time so I just grabbed my suit jacket with my wallet inside and I left. I went down the stairs to the bar that was underneath and sat at the bar. I thought maybe a beer would settle me down so I tried a new one they recommended. I figured I could at least try a local beer if I couldn’t enjoy anything else. By the time my beer came I got a text from my date asking where I was. I told her I had to leave and that it was too much for me. I was downstairs at the bar for right now. I had to go get a walk. She asked if I was okay? I said I was fine. It was my own shit going on and that I needed to work on me right now. I also told her my phone was about to die so I waited a minute and then turned it off.