I think I’ve started this blog five different ways in my head. By the time I finally sat down at the computer and the internet finally worked I couldn’t decide how I really wanted to start this blog. I’ll just pick one at random.

You know how when people are younger they try harder to fit in? They want to be a part of the group. Or how at work you see certain people trying harder to get in the good graces of their bosses or people of influence? I actually have the opposite feeling. I dislike when people think I’m normal. I don’t even like it when they think I’m just a little weird. I like when they think I’m “mad.” That I’m crazy and unpredictable. That they have no idea what’s going in my head right now because they can’t imagine how my thought process is. The problem is I don’t think people really think that way about me. I blend in really well. Which is great for most people. It kind of annoys me. I’d rather be among the outcasts. I’d rather have people fascinated by what I’m thinking about or what I plan on doing next that others won’t. Truthful I just don’t think people are that smart anymore. They’re satisfied with their simple devices. They don’t even care to think outside the box.

There’s nothing more insulting to me than for people to say that I’m all talk or that I’m just blowing smoke. When people say “well you got real close but didn’t really go through with it.” I start to wonder if they really even know who I am. If I don’t like something I do something about it. If I really want to be somewhere or to be doing something different you better believe I’m working my way towards it and it’s only a matter of time before it happens. If I don’t like my situation I’m working on what variables I’m in control of and what I can change. If I really want to go somewhere or see something you better understand that I’m saving my pennies and sitting at home. That I’m skipping meals or popular events to make it happen. I make sacrifices from the typical every day life in order to meet these goals I set up for myself. That’s just how my mind works. When I set my mind to something I do whatever it takes to make it happen. I thought that’s how most people were. For as long as I was growing up I was always considered to be inside the circle and I thought everyone around me was thinking the same way. Boy was I wrong. It only led to jealousy and betrayal when I went out and did the things they only talked about. Now I have no problem being outside that circle.

We were taught at a young age that when we got older we were going to hop onto the trolley of a successful life. You go to college, get a good job, meet a pretty girl who cares about you, and by your twenties you’re married and considering babies. That’s the American Dream. You work hard, play hard, and when you are blessed to meet a pretty girl who cares about you and helps nurture you, you fight hard to keep her. Again this seems like a lost concept. Guys and girls are always picking at the smallest things and then looking outside for someone else that’s better at the things they lack. I don’t think any one person is in control of your happiness unless that person is you. But by that I don’t mean do whatever you have to do to be happy because that would imply you stomp on people and take advantage of others. But it is your choice to be happy with what you do have. The right mind-set and being happy with what you do have will do wonders for your life. The little things matter. The big things will fall into place.

I side tracked on happiness and what I really meant to bring up was this cycle of life that I’m seeing. I currently live with two guys that are older than me. I’d say they are both pretty average guys. They work hard, try their best at whatever they’re doing, and they fit into society. But what I’ve learned through them is really just how vulnerable and attached people are to one another. They probably think I’m weird because when I have days off I just like to be by myself and stay away from people. I’m more of an introvert. Five days a week in customer service and managing workers wears me out. I need to be away from people. They want to be around people and chase girls. Which is normal. The part that is confusing is that it seems like after their breakups and divorces it seems like they’ve reverted back to being a college guy. They eat out all the time, they find any girl to distract them, and have told me stories where their ladies basically took care of them by making their meals and doing their laundry. I get doing chores does not make a relationship but it’s just weird to me that I have more towels and dishes compared to guys who have lived over ten years longer than me.

Is this really the cycle of life we live in today’s society? It’s not only likely it’s probable that your marriage is going to fail. So we chase a girl and put up our best version of ourselves for that person. We’re not really smart enough or inept to really see how a person is until it’s too late. Then because our world is so small and we have so many choices we decide to browse around. Relationships take a lot of work and we always think it’ll be easier than what we do have. So people shop around until we settle for the next best thing. But before that happens it seems like we just hop around like a sex crazed teenager dealing with hormones. Is this really the society we live in now a days? We just go round and round on the merry-go-round? We chase the physical and we chase sex more than we chase meaning, intimacy, and good mental conversations?

I sometimes wonder if my eyes dilate when people ask me questions I’m not ready for. It happens all the time at work when a problem comes up. I’m sure they just think I look confused or I need a second to process. But really I get excited for the puzzle. It’s one of the few things I enjoy when I have interactions with random people. I get caught up in the variables. Of course I have to ignore my impulse to tell people to fuck off, it doesn’t matter, think for yourself, screw that person, and actually come up with a logical answer. It’s always Occam’s razor right? The simplest solution is usually the best solution. It does tend to be true, but I can’t help but let my mind race and see if there is a better option we aren’t thinking about. I love the puzzle. I love finding new ways of doing things. Then again I enjoy using my brain. I enjoy thinking. That’s not something the majority of our population likes to do. They like to be told what to do and how to do for hours at a time until they can watch that show that tells us what’s funny and how we are supposed to be feeling. I’m so done with it.