I’m in a mood. I don’t know whether to be sad or entirely grateful for everything I have. All I know is that at the end of the day I can make myself an adult beverage and walk down to the docks in my backyard and sit out on the water. I can listen to the bugs hum or the turtles and fish pop their heads out of the water. I can look up at the stars in the sky or I can watch the planes take off from the airport. I can sit out and sing Jason Aldean songs or just stare at the lights from other properties and think about Gatsby. If you don’t get that reference I can’t really help you understand.

I think back on all the cool, crazy, or interesting things that I’ve done in my life. I think about all the things that people question. I say question as if they’re not sure that it’s true… but yet it is me… so they believe is more likely probable that I did do something of that nature and accept that I’m telling the truth. I have fun with certain things but I do usually tell the truth. I do speak out of turn. I do travel and move more than most. I do accept people into my life even if they’re not the best influences just to hear the stories. I’m always a guy who gets obsessed with a new and interesting stories or puzzles. I can’t help myself sometimes. New is exciting and fun. Once the shine has worn off it’s almost depressing. Maybe that’s why I’m uncertain whether to be grateful or happy right now. I have a lot of new shiny toys in my life to get excited about. I get to explore a huge new area. I have two mellow roommates that I get to know. I have coworkers that I get to mentor. It’s all fun and games right now.

But I know in the back of my mind after a while I will find my hidden spots. I will have my favorite restaurants and things will become mundane. I will slowly get into a routine and become normal like everyone else. The thing that I despise and oppose. I don’t want to be like everyone else. I enjoy being the one that’s different. I enjoy being the one people smile about and laugh about while they’re sitting by a fire or having a beer at a bar. I like being the one people talk about or text about because they wonder what’s the next crazy and adventurous thing I have planned. It’s always funny to me when people don’t actually get to KNOW me. I have this silent laugh in my head where I think “if only you knew.” Because I can see people judging me and thinking he’s just a dumb jock. He’s just a dude who is way too serious. You have no idea what’s really going on in my head. But people don’t ever pry. They don’t ever ask real interesting questions. They’re afraid. So I let it be.

As I sit on the docks of my very own Lake Capri I think about how cool the name of the lake is. Thoreau got to have Waldon. I get to have Lake Capri. Maybe I will write something extraordinary. Every time I hear the name Capri I think of juice boxes and Capri Sun. Honestly it’s a great fit. If you’ve ever played softball with me you know I play to win and I play for the juice boxes. That’s kind of an insider joke but it’s also true. I play to run around and act like I’m younger than I am. I don’t play to mess up, laugh it off, and then go drink some beers because I’m old and want to reminisce on the glory days. I’m still a kid at heart. I might always be at the rate I’m going. I also can still play and do well. I’m still trying to get into a new league and be competitive. I enjoy proving people wrong when they think here’s just another average joe and then realize… wait… dude can play. I want him on my team. It’s always fun to see because I just stay humble and act like that’s normal.

But to put this whole ordeal full circle… to quote thee Jason Aldean from one of my favorite songs… “could it have been easier? Yes. A little smoother ride? Maybe so. But lying here with you would I change one thing about that road? No.” Would I change some of the things I’ve done? Maybe. But it really made me the person I am so probably not. Maybe a selfish thing here and there but  nothing I’ll lose sleep over. The only thing that would make me sad instead of grateful is that I haven’t been able to share it with a special person who has remained constant in my life. That’s the sad part. So instead of laying out on the lake and counting the stars with a special lady I will end up sharing it with a glass of whiskey or my harmonica.